R.I.P.

With the current headlines blaring out at me reminding me how fragile life is, I can't help but think of my mom these past couple weeks. Just two summers ago our family thought my mother was having severe intestinal issues that required a colonoscopy. She had been suffering from diverticulitis for a couple years and we figured it had finally flared up to the severe stage. After being in and out for testing, she was finally admitted to the hospital the beginning of June. From there a roller-coaster of testing would begin, along with a surgery that would end with a colostomy and the finding of a tumor on the outside of her colon.

Mom, me, Diana, Debbie
photo credit - Jill Watson Photography - Studio 101 Photography

While waiting for the results, my two sisters and I would take shifts at the hospital to be with mom. One of us in the morning, another in the afternoon, and another in the evening. Dad would wander in and out, but being in the hospital wasn't his thing. I'm pretty sure he was in denial that there could really be anything wrong with Mom.

Then the results. The tiny tumor was cancer - sarcomatoid carcinoma - stage 4. Apparently even the healthiest of individuals who came down with this type of cancer weren't expected to last long, let alone a 75 year old woman who had complications from surgery, developed an infection, and was having renal failure. It was quite the blow to us all.

Every day I would go to the hospital and would take notes when the doctors came in to see Mom, so that when my sister's came to visit, they would know what the prognosis was. Also, so I could keep busy when the doctor was there and not forget or space out from the news. Mom couldn't begin to remember everything that was going on. She couldn't even take care of her bag by herself, eat solid foods, walk around her bed. June was a very rough month.

By July Mom was able to be admitted into a rehab facility. There they worked on putting weight on her, getting her walking and moving independently, and being able to handle her colostomy bag on her own - not just emptying it, but replacing it on the stoma as well. Let me tell you - as a grown woman without any children, that is the grossest I have ever seen in my life - but you deal because you love and care about the person you are taking care of.

Mom came home after a couple weeks in rehab, but was in a lot of pain soon after returning. She couldn't eat - didn't want to eat, had constant pain in her back, and just looked haggard all the time. My nephew and his wife came to visit with their little one. Mom perked up for that visit - she must have known she was saying good-bye.

Eventually, Mom had to go back to her oncologist and when we all went, he said that her white count was once again elevated, which indicated infection, and thought it would be best to get her admitted again. We all went out for one last lunch at Red Lobster, where she tried to be upbeat and cheerful, but she just wasn't her usual self. After admittance on the cancer wing, we all talked and decided that she might need to have exploratory surgery to determine if she was septic or if there was more cancer. It was a lose/lose operation, but we knew it had to be done. Mom called for her priest and asked for us to leave the room so she could confess her sins. She didn't want to go into surgery with the possibility of not making it not having cleansed her soul.

After all of us said our well wishes to her in pre-op, we went to the waiting room. It was late afternoon, early evening, and you could view the status of the surgery on a computer monitor. In no time at all, it said that her surgery was over, which we knew was not good news. Her surgeon came into the room and told us the news. Her small tumor that was found in mid June, in one month, has spread and metastasized to every organ in her body - it was literally eating her from the inside. He could do nothing but close her back up. He said he had never seen something so aggressive. We cried for our mother and our wife.

It was eventually decided that Mom would come home. The hospital could do no more for her and we wanted her to be home. Funny, you always hear about hospice and what a wonderful thing it is, but until you go through it, you really have no idea what it is all about. You are in it alone! They come by once every couple days until the time is getting closer, then they come by every day. For about an hour. Otherwise, you are shown how to administer meds, how to move the patient and try to keep bedsores from occurring, how to sleep in a chair so that you can monitor her ragged breathing for fear you might miss her needing you. All this while you are still needing to be at work. Waiting for the moment she passes - praying that it comes soon but hoping it doesn't so you have more time to whisper to her how much you love her and how all those moments she held you when you were sick meant to you. Wandering around her house, what used to be your childhood home, wondering how it will ever feel like home again once she is gone, will there ever be light in the dark room that she is sleeping in? Worried how your father will cope with being alone - crying more for his loss than for yours, because while you have loved her for your 35 years, he has loved her for over 55, and can't imagine his life without her.

And then it is there, that moment you are sitting by her and hear that sharp intake and realize that nothing follows. As you call for your family, you rush to your mommy, your mom, your mother, your momma, your friend, and you hold her hand and tell her you are there for her and you love her and are so sorry for all her pain, but that you know she is with her family now. And eventually, the grimace of pain that was on her face with that last breath turns into her glorious smile that she is known for. And it is amazing. And you are thankful that you were there to witness it all - no matter how difficult it was, you are feeling more blessed than ever to have been there for her passing. And as my father said at the time, "an Angel entered Heaven" and she continues to watch over me and the rest of her family today.

Paula

2/16/32 - 8/23/07

Jill Watson - Studio 101 Photography

Song by Josh Grobin that was Mom's favorite

Gag Reflex

Is it me, or is there an abundance of blogs out there of girls describing themselves as "newlyweds" and married to "the love of their life" and can't wait to "spend every waking moment with their soulmate?" I am all for a happy marriage because I have one, but must we gush all over our blogs about it? I have been checking out the bloggers in my hometown and a good majority who have a following have at least one of those descriptions in their profile. Hey, if you have been married for under 2 years, then sure, by all means, describe yourself as a newlywed. But must you also include that you married the love of your life and your soul mate? Wouldn't that be assumed? I would hope you didn't settle for some schlub who happened to ask you and you decided "Eh, I'm not getting any younger, what the hell!" Usually people tend to marry that special someone, not just the next best thing. At least that's what I have learned in my 37 years. We don't have arranged marriages here in the states, do we? Then I could see the confusion about being married to the love of your life or the man your parents picked out for you. I guess my five year anniversary just a week ago has definitely kicked me out of the newlywed category, and I don't need to gush for all the world about how wonderful my husband is - he knows because he puts up with me on a daily basis. I guess I'm just a jaded oldywed...

photo credit

Make Me Laugh

credit

The reason for the Nebraska trip was two-fold - Hubby was in a comedy contest finals and it was our five year anniversary! Back in April he had tried out for the Great American Comedy Festival and made it to the finals as an amateur comedian. As part of the festival, the amateurs performed on Tuesday night, and then the professionals performed on Wednesday and Thursday with the selected winners of their groups going to the finals on Friday. There were 24 professional "up and comers" as there were tagged, but out of them, Kevin has worked with several and we have had the opportunity to get to know them over the years.


It was really funny because in his set on Tuesday night, Kevin mentioned that our 5 year anniversary would be on Friday, and I cannot begin to tell you how many people remembered! Strangers came up to us and would wish us a happy anniversary! That's how small towns are, I guess! It was a bit shocking, but nice at the same time. Heck, I have family members that don't even remember my anniversary, but the whole town of Norfolk, NE seemed to!


Of the comedians that performed, it was great to see some old favorites:

Keith Alberstadt

Tommy Johnagin

Pat Dixon

If you ever get a chance to go to a comedy show and see any of these guys, don't hesitate, it will be well worth the money.

More on Nebraska when I get some more time - I am off to dinner with a girlfriend - sushi here I come!

Finally Back...

We are finally back from Nebraska - what a long but beautiful trip. I'm still beat! I don't think I ever want to be in a car again - EVER! It's funny how people tend to bash certain states, I can think of Arkansas and Nebraska as some, but let me tell you -- the drive from Omaha to Norfolk was stunning - rolling, lush green hills. You could see for miles! Very different than Iowa and Kansas and OMG - Missouri's hwy 70 is a boring nightmare compared to this drive.

I will blog more when I get my stamina back. I'm just about finished with my book, The Host, which I finally got back into reading while riding back home. Oh, and I'm so glad to be back for this heat - NOT!

To be clutter free

I have a few friends that upon walking into their house, you notice their few pieces of furniture, well placed pictures on the wall, an occasional vase or candle on a table, and basically nothing else. Their house could be an example page from a Pottery Barn catalog. It's simple but lived in and refreshingly uncluttered.

photo credit

My house, by comparison, looks like a yard sale blew up in it. (Note - neither are my home, but I wouldn't mind the top one being mine.)

photo credit

I am so tired of clutter. If I could have that show Clean House come to me and get rid of everything, I would let them. By no means is my house the utter disaster those homes are. We aren't collapsing under the weight of piles of rubbish (wow - did I just say rubbish? When did I become English?) Anyway, myself and my husband included are notable pack-rats, and basically lazy on top of it -- primo-procrastinators. If there is a tomorrow, by golly, it will get done then! But because of that, I have bills that have piled up since 2002, books that I have read for the past 10 years that are causing the shelves to buckle under the weight of them, and boxes of photos that haven't been organized into the scrapbooks I have been saying for years I'm going to make.

So right now I'm undertaking the task of cleaning up our office, which has taken the brunt of our madness for the past several years. As we clean up the other parts of the house, the things that don't fit in the small rooms out "there" got squeezed into "here" where I'm currently sitting typing this blog instead of cleaning. See, I told you, mistress of procrastination!

Dog park etiquette

Tonight was a trip to our local dog park. We have been many times in the past 2 years with our new pooch. He loves to socialize with other animals and be chased by the other dogs, which is ironic since he is a herding breed, it should be the other way around -- our dog has never been normal. But that's neither here nor there and not what this post is about. This is about the etiquette that needs to be followed by the two-legged individuals who bring their 4-legged friends out to play. Some simple guidelines to adhere to, and we should all get along fine in this pooch-friendly environment.


1. Adults greet each other by shaking hands and saying hello. Dogs do not have hands and lack vocal cords. The way they get to know each other is to sniff the crotch of the other dog. It's not bad manners, it's canine instinct. You do not need to scold your dog for sniffing another dog's butt. Scold him when he starts sniffing human butt, that's embarrassing for all parties involved.


2. Keep a baggie on your person at all times. When Fido decides it's time to do a two, you realize you don't have a baggie on you and others are watching. So you go to the baggie box located on the fence for our 'convenience' but by the time you get back to Fido's spot, you really aren't sure where that particular area was. Now you look like the idiot who can't find your dog's doo, and everyone knows it. Yes, we all know exactly where your dog dumped and we are amazed that you can't seem to find that steaming pile of s....


3. If the rules of the park say no one under the age of 'X' please adhere to these rules. Some people have dogs that don't do well with children. Others have big dogs that run fast. My dog thinks anything small is his own personal chew toy, and if it makes a high pitched noise, he is sure to try and find a way to get the squeaker out. No - my dog isn't aggressive - he hasn't met a person or other dog he hasn't loved immediately. However, if you are going to bring a baby to nurse to the dog park and sit on the bench to do so, don't be alarmed when my dog jumps up on the bench to smell that strange, small creature you are holding. You see, my dog has never been around a baby before and he's just curious. Also, my dog runs - FAST - and when he's being chased for a long time by other dogs and needs a rest, I become "base." Ollie ollie oxen free! He's great at running full speed right at me, sticking a turn and coming to a stop right in front of me - not so for the Great Dane and Shepherd mix that were chasing him and took out my left leg and just about knocked me on my fanny. And I'm a big girl (look at my pic, if you haven't already.) Imagine if that happened to an unsuspecting 6 year old. I could just see it now - children dressed in Garanimal overalls flying in the air, dogs off and running, parents all pissed off because the dogs weren't watching where they were going... whah??? Dogs weren't watching where they were going? It's THEIR park... why must they watch?


4. The dog park is not a place for you to sit your butt on a chair and ignore your dog. If the park is big enough that you cannot see your dog from where you are, go and find your animal. I don't need to be constantly chasing off the over-excited dominatrix who likes to hump my dog. It's not my responsibility to correct your dog's dominant behavior - that is your job. My dog has learned his name and the word 'come' so that the second he is out of sight I can call him back to me. It's called training and obedience... try it.


5. Please do not wear clean, neat clothes to the dog park. You will be mad when my dog jumps up to give you a kiss when you comment to him what a pretty boy he is. That's just what he does. I know, I know, training, try it, I just said that...I have been training for 3 years! What can I say, my dog loves people and will kiss them to let them know it. And if that means muddy paw prints on your blazer, too bad, you should't have made eye contact with my dog!


6. Don't be mad when you bring a ball/Frisbee/toy to the park to play with your dog and another dog gets in on the game. It's going to happen. It's called sharing. If you don't like it, go back to kindergarten and learn that lesson again. Besides, what did you expect? All the other dogs to ignore the cool toy? Sha - like that's going to happen...


7. Be sure to provide a bowl of water for your dog. With all the running, dogs are sure to get parched, and I'm tired of constantly having to be the community provider of water for everyone's canines just because I remembered water for mine. I don't care if other dogs drink out of my dog's bowl as long as I see that there are plenty of other bowls to go around. I just think it's pretty rude when I put down a bowl for my dog and he can't even get a drink because your dehydrated mutt is hogging the juice. Unfair! Go talk to your two-legged human about their lack of concern for your well-being and leave my baby's elixir alone!


8. Don't be a doggy racist! Just because a pit bull has come into the park does not mean it's going to be a problem. I have seen some of the sweetest, kindest, friendliest pit bulls at the dog park. Just tonight I saw a beautiful Old English Sheepdog coming in, and I thought "beautiful dog" until it bullied my dog so badly that mine wouldn't leave my side. Every time my dog tried to run, the sheepdog would jump on his back and try to bite him on the neck. It was ridiculous! The owner kept saying - 'she's so hyper, look how hyper she is!' More like "What a big BULLY!" The look my dog gave me clearly said - 'make it stop, Mom...' It broke my heart.


9. Know the number for the park ranger. Regardless of how well you follow the rules, there will always be someone who doesn't and makes the park unsafe for others. Take your cell phone with you and keep the number stored in it and make the call if you feel you need to. Better to be safe than sorry.

The King of the Castle

How can you not love this face?

School's Out for Summer

Summer vacation has finally arrived! What to do with my time - or should I say, my two months, since we go back on August 3? What ever happened to summer vacation being June, July and August? Before we know it, children will be going to school year-round. Hopefully I will be up for retirement by then.

I will have a huge list of things to accomplish this summer. Number one being getting this place packed and getting the new house remodeled. I cannot WAIT to be out of a condo and into a house with a yard my dog to run around in. I just feel that there are so many things I am missing by not owning a house, one of which is not having to hear my neighbor's three year old boy play superman off the sofa and feel the adjoining wall shake and rattle every time he lands. Another thing that I am looking forward to is having a yard to take care of, flowers and shrubs to tend to; a back yard to grill in, since we can't grill on our deck at our condo due to insurance regulation BS. The best part of this house --- it was the one I grew up in! My dad is selling it to us for a steal, and we are going to fix it up the way we want it so it's more 'ours' and less 'my childhood home' before we move in.

I have a lot on my plate for this summer, but along with getting both of these homes ready, I'm still itching to be creative. I want to take pictures, I want to paint - which I don't do at all, I want to make jewelry, I want to scrapbook, you name it - I want to do it. I wish there was a Creative St. Louis Club where you could come out once a week and try something new and meet new people. That would be so cool!